Melancholy Mumma

I just may have the answer, well at least I think I do, I don't know where to begin, I don't know how I got to this point, I am not quite sure how to get out of it either, I just know I am here, right now, letting the waves of 'flatness' swoop over me, feeling a tad unable to do much about it at all.

It didn't really become obvious to me til this morning, when a friend asked 'Are you ok?' and put her hand on my arm? I think I said something like 'yes, I am ok, I think it's hit me.' And until that moment, til the words were actually out of my mouth, IT certainly DID hit me. Then flashes of my friends went through my head, all the wonderful women in my life who have sent their 'babies' to school this year, all these wonderful women, my friends, my support network, whether they are in full time work, casual, part time, studying, looking for work, volunteering, CEO of family (some people call this home duties), whatever they spend the main part of their day doing, it seems we are all feeling the same way.

Some of us have earaches, some have come down quite sick, some are walking through the house during the early hours of the mornings unable to sleep, we are all feeling lost in some way.

What did I do with myself before I had my babies, how did I live my days before my beautiful children were born. Seriously, a hot cup of tea!! Who would have thought!! Oh yeah, that's all B.C. (before children) stuff. Well phooey to the hot cuppa, I don't want a hot cuppa, so there.

I have no reason to feel this way, so of course, I then berate myself, you know, inside my head I say 'Get over it girl, what's your problem, you are being so silly, there is much to celebrate in your life.' It's all true, I have so much to celebrate in my life, I have NO reason to be in this state that I find myself in. Sure I have worked, sacrificed, planned hard to be here, but don't we all! My children have all that they need and a little of what they want. lol. I am living my dream - married, built our home, live near the beach out of the city, had our little family. Tick, tick, tick, tick, all correct, all boxes marked.

There is another tick, tick, tick, tick, it's my clock in the kitchen. I miss them, I miss their noise, I miss their faces, my heart feels it's been ripped from my chest through the day. Ugg!! I look at the clock on the wall, oh yes, the second hand IS still moving, time hasn't actually stopped at all.

It's not that I have nothing to do, actually quite the opposite, I am quite busy and my little diary is bursting at the seams with appointments, committees, dr's, phone calls, orders to be made up, research to be done, 'things' that need organising. I am out of the house more than I am home. My 'to do' list seems to be growing more than its shrinking.

It's just that I am alone now. For 5.5 hours x 5 days of the week this Mumma is alone.

To all the Melancholy Mumma's out there, I hear you, I feel what you are feeling, I have the earache, dull head and am laying wide awake at night, and then walking the house, wishing I could have a decent sleep. I think if I was to hug someone, I would burst into tears, I know, sounds silly, and I am pouring my heart on on this very here page, but it's just how I feel, right here, right now.

In 10 minutes time I will be in one of their beds, with both of them, we are reading Enid Blyton at the moment. The Famous Five series. Starting at the first one, Five on a Treasure Hunt. I just LOVE that time with them, despite the heat, their legs are crossed over my legs, one may have their head in my lap, or a head on my shoulder, then my little one might sidle around until his head is down next to my feet and his legs are up my end and I rub his leg while reading. See I DO have much to celebrate, my two very darling, little boys.

What do YOU do at night with your little ones, how do YOU recoup those missed hours of them at school, and you at work, whether paid, volunteer or CEO. How are your Mumma alone hours, and how are YOU coping?

Hugs to the Mumma's.