Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Melancholy Mumma

I just may have the answer, well at least I think I do, I don't know where to begin, I don't know how I got to this point, I am not quite sure how to get out of it either, I just know I am here, right now, letting the waves of 'flatness' swoop over me, feeling a tad unable to do much about it at all.

It didn't really become obvious to me til this morning, when a friend asked 'Are you ok?' and put her hand on my arm? I think I said something like 'yes, I am ok, I think it's hit me.' And until that moment, til the words were actually out of my mouth, IT certainly DID hit me. Then flashes of my friends went through my head, all the wonderful women in my life who have sent their 'babies' to school this year, all these wonderful women, my friends, my support network, whether they are in full time work, casual, part time, studying, looking for work, volunteering, CEO of family (some people call this home duties), whatever they spend the main part of their day doing, it seems we are all feeling the same way.

Some of us have earaches, some have come down quite sick, some are walking through the house during the early hours of the mornings unable to sleep, we are all feeling lost in some way.

What did I do with myself before I had my babies, how did I live my days before my beautiful children were born. Seriously, a hot cup of tea!! Who would have thought!! Oh yeah, that's all B.C. (before children) stuff. Well phooey to the hot cuppa, I don't want a hot cuppa, so there.

I have no reason to feel this way, so of course, I then berate myself, you know, inside my head I say 'Get over it girl, what's your problem, you are being so silly, there is much to celebrate in your life.' It's all true, I have so much to celebrate in my life, I have NO reason to be in this state that I find myself in. Sure I have worked, sacrificed, planned hard to be here, but don't we all! My children have all that they need and a little of what they want. lol. I am living my dream - married, built our home, live near the beach out of the city, had our little family. Tick, tick, tick, tick, all correct, all boxes marked.

There is another tick, tick, tick, tick, it's my clock in the kitchen. I miss them, I miss their noise, I miss their faces, my heart feels it's been ripped from my chest through the day. Ugg!! I look at the clock on the wall, oh yes, the second hand IS still moving, time hasn't actually stopped at all.

It's not that I have nothing to do, actually quite the opposite, I am quite busy and my little diary is bursting at the seams with appointments, committees, dr's, phone calls, orders to be made up, research to be done, 'things' that need organising. I am out of the house more than I am home. My 'to do' list seems to be growing more than its shrinking.

It's just that I am alone now. For 5.5 hours x 5 days of the week this Mumma is alone.

To all the Melancholy Mumma's out there, I hear you, I feel what you are feeling, I have the earache, dull head and am laying wide awake at night, and then walking the house, wishing I could have a decent sleep. I think if I was to hug someone, I would burst into tears, I know, sounds silly, and I am pouring my heart on on this very here page, but it's just how I feel, right here, right now.

In 10 minutes time I will be in one of their beds, with both of them, we are reading Enid Blyton at the moment. The Famous Five series. Starting at the first one, Five on a Treasure Hunt. I just LOVE that time with them, despite the heat, their legs are crossed over my legs, one may have their head in my lap, or a head on my shoulder, then my little one might sidle around until his head is down next to my feet and his legs are up my end and I rub his leg while reading. See I DO have much to celebrate, my two very darling, little boys.

What do YOU do at night with your little ones, how do YOU recoup those missed hours of them at school, and you at work, whether paid, volunteer or CEO. How are your Mumma alone hours, and how are YOU coping?

Hugs to the Mumma's.


Anonymous said...

Lovely, Joyce. Ordinarily, I would be feeling just like you, looking forward to the precious bedtime stories and "catch-up." However, I am on the east coast of the US, in blizzard conditions for the second time in five days. Total accumulation is hovering around 100 cm/40 in.

My daughter is on her fourth "snow day." The first two days were fun--baking cookies, making valentines, sledding, but now I would just LOVE for her to get back to school! :)


Anke said...

Hi Joyce,
in the beginning it was very hard for me. I cried when my oldest started Kindergarten and then school. The same happened when our youngest started. The first day was spent at home staring at the clock not knowing what to do with all my time. It took a while to get used to it, but we all did. Both girls always enjoyed Kindergarten and school and I had time to get things done. I actually went back to work part time and we still have enough time to spend with each other. My girls are also 9 and 11 and don't want Mom around all the time anymore. Something else I had to get used to...

Anonymous said...

Oh Joyce you sound very down. You are truly one in a million Mum's. I have to say that i pick mine up at 3pm and we do activities after school, have dinner, they get some time out of their busy day to watch TV and get lost in a show they like, it is then baths, teeth and one goes to bed and the other one reads to me the off to bed. I love my nights of peace and quiet, i catch up on stuff or i just sit and veg out in front of a good show. I like the quiet of the day i have to say.

Anonymous said...

Oh you made me cry lol. You know I have been feeling the same way, it is hard to explain (even to our hubby's).
They always say that it is 'natural' for us to think at times in our lifes, we need more when we already have everything in front of us, we do all do it at times though.
You are a wonderful lady who I would have to say is one of the most dedicated mummy's I know and I say that truly with all my heart, you are a inspiration!

I'm like you, no matter how tired I am (which is everyday lol) I read books to my three at night and I love nothing more then being there to put them to bed and hear about their day, I think I tell them how proud I am of them everyday, well how great would it be if we were told that everyday by someone.
Keep smiling!

'Joyce' said...

oh wow, firstly Gretchen, you are stuck indoors, with more of that horrid weather to come, unable to get to shops, parks, well basically unable to leave your home. My heart goes out to you that this weather stops for you soon, so that you don't go insane. I hope the food stash holds out for you too. Nothing worse than running low on food supplies. Sunny, dry thoughts being sent across the ocean to you, and the other Mumma's that are caught in the blizzard. Keep warm and sane. Do you have a blog? I love to see how others live, cook, craft.

'Joyce' said...

Hi Anke, oh I do so love your beautiful kitchen. lol. It's so wonderful to hear another Mumma that feels the same. There are so many of us here, and it's comforting to know that over time we will move onto the next stage. Goodness, how do parents send their kids to boarding school, I will never understand. I didn't ever expect to feel this heart-wrenching pain in my chest, well not for quite a few more years at least (moving out of home etc), but I am sure there are many more raw emotions yet to experience as we watch our children grow up. It is taking me a bit to get used to, and I have just been so busy since school started, however, I am thinking now, maybe I have been too busy, too busy to let it slide over me, and it has sort of crashed over my head and brought me to a big low right now. *sigh* I start my studies in a few weeks time, I have my forms to post off tomorrow and am so looking forward to beginning my teachers aide course. I love being in the classroom and helping the kiddies, and watching them as they progress from one level to the next. Thank you so much for sharing your Mumma feelings across the ocean.

'Joyce' said...

My dear Anon friends, Thank you for your love and support.

CC, yes, I have been feeling quite down. It's hit me more than I thought it would. I feel a little heartbroken. Actually the word I thought of today was actually I feel 'inadequate'. I know, I shouldn't feel that way, but you know, with little ones at home depending on me all day everyday, all of a sudden, they aren't there - I am alone, despite being surrounded by people in and out and doing my business, I am still alone. There isn't a little one 'needing' me. It is taking a bit of getting used to. However, oh I sooooo appreciate the time we have in the afternoons/night together. I envy you at the moment. lol. I should have had another baby.

Anon K, I have cried a bit the last few days, well mainly just teary and it sort of creeps up on me, or I just get all choked up, or like the other day, a huge bawl. You to are an inspiration to me, I don't know how you do it, working, Mum, after school activities and still you put dinner on the table. No wonder you are so tired. As for being proud, well I am proud of YOU, just look at your 3 little ones, such a beautiful family, it is an honour to have you in my circle of friends.

I truly am blessed to be surrounded by such inspiring, loving, Mumma's. Yes, am teary again. oh, I think I need some choccie now.

Eni said...

I am glad to learn that you have started your boys on Enid Blyton's Famous Five series. I too grew up reading Enid Blyton's books, including The Famous Five. Thus, it is my love of Enid Blyton and her books that I decided to write and publish a book on her, titled, The Famous Five: A Personal Anecdotage (
Stephen isabirye

'Joyce' said...

Hi Eni,
Yes, grew up with Enid myself, just love her books, although my boys think 'they talk funny.' lol, I love reading to them at night.